Spoiler Alert: I Still Have My Heart On My Sleeve
The last piece from our first season sweeps you up into an all consuming rush of emotion wherein you need to tell them, despite all your fears, despite all logic, despite everything
Greetings dear dreamers
Welcome to the final newsletter from the very first season of The Abandoned Dreams Collective.
When I started this project, I knew the stories that I’d be sharing because I was living in them day in and day out already. I was writing them already in a bid to free myself of the hold they had over me. I wanted the writing that I would feature to match my vision but also include themes that would introduce me to a new way of looking at my project, a fresh perspective, an idea I hadn’t previously considered, things that wouldn’t have come naturally to me.
Every person who reads fanfiction or romance novels has a few favourite tropes. A formula of sorts that they’ll choose to read in books over and over again across books and revel in the build up with as much joy each time. My favourites, if you were wondering are fake-dating and ‘there was only one bed’ (no judgement please. thanks). One that I’ve never been able to identify with is friends to lovers.
One part of me has always thought that if there was meant to be any kind of potential with a friend (by which I mean a friend friend, not an acquaintance), you’d know instantly. Another part of me shies away from the trope, ruing the richness of an existing relationship that would be put at risk, all the memories that may have to be abandoned and all that would have to change when you say that one scary thing.
In today’s piece, ‘Spoiler Alert: I Still Have My Heart On My Sleeve’, writer A.H.M. tells me that I’m wrong, that sometimes you can know slowly and then all at once, that sometimes you can be struck by feelings so intense that not saying anything could feel worse than doing so, and that there is a way out for after that may not require you to abandon everything.
Spoiler Alert: I Still Have My Heart On My Sleeve
Damn you Cupid.
Yeah, you just hit me. Pretty hard. You forgot her!
Unrequited love. A major cliché; but very very underrated when it comes to understanding how both parties feel. One falls in love hopelessly, the other didn’t even see it coming. I think you see what I mean. It’s like that accident where you see two cars reversing into one another, but you don’t want to stop them because the collision is just something you need to see…
So my best-friend. Yes, my best-friend. She is the most beautiful soul on this planet (for me, at least). Our friendship began when we met at work, began commuting together, eating lunch together and eventually evolved into doing literally everything together; ‘you & I’ became ‘we’.
We built a connection that I had never shared with anyone else before. Something special, something to cherish. To hold on to. She helped me be a better person everyday, right from laughing at my ridiculous bursts of anger to understanding the downs of life. She was my everyday delight, the one face I wanted to see every single day. Whether it was a short drive, a movie, a dinner, some drinks or simply vegetating together; I needed to see her every day.
We grew closer (or I did, yes) everyday. The kind of friends that shared every little detail with each other, and then shared a comfortable silence until bedtime. My feelings developed over time, and nothing made me realize this. I grew closer and closer to this person; this freak of nature, as I like to affectionately call her, that I wanted to be mine forever. It wasn’t an adrenaline rush, it wasn’t a roller coaster of feelings.
But I was reeling and I didn’t even know!
She dated people, got close to some & I was still the shoulder when heartbreak stepped in. The go-to person for comfort. “I’d like to be your comfort in every way, you know!“ I thought to myself every time. I never realized how this used to affect me. I would break a little bit every time she would go out with someone new. Why can’t I have a chance to give you what he does?
Honestly, it took me over 5 years to acknowledge my feelings for her. It wasn’t until the coronavirus pandemic started and India went into lockdown that I realized. Yes, cliche, yes.
We spent a lot of time together. Because I had to move back into my parents’ home and this was no piece of cake. I’d end up spending weeks away at her house: cooking fun food, cleaning, watching movies, playing games, napping….cuddling. Yes, cuddling. And I was still stupid, yes.
She started to feel like home. A safe space, a happy place and my daily delight. I will be honest here. With the way I grew up and lacked any real friends, I didn’t really have any place to call home. I didn’t know how it felt. And when this happened…oh god, I felt good.
The perfect life. A dream.
Living together, experiencing what it would feel like if we did this forever. Discovering a polaroid camera app and taking ridiculous photos of us together, singing to Glass Animals while cooking drunken spaghetti, recreating our favorite Japanese salad and napping at ridiculous hours. I remember going for a walk one of the days during lockdown and noticing that a beer store was open. I bought a crate instantly and walked all the way back to her house with it in the heat of Bombay’s summer because COVID time restrictions/shortages had driven all alcohol away from sight for 2 months and I knew she missed the taste of it. It was a 20-minute walk.
It was the first time I’d done anything like this for anyone.
A little after the lockdown eased, I began hanging out with more of my friends, discussing our life updates. It was during these weeks that my realization kicked in. Because at every gathering, I’d look for a face that wasn’t there. It was the one face I missed and wanted to go back to. Screw any party or dinner that existed without her presence. “I’ve been in love with her all this while and I never knew”.
Told you. Slow & steady, not rushed, full of comfort & fuzzies. While I did realize my feelings, I also knew in the deepest of my heart that she didn’t feel the same way. A week in and all I could think about was how I loved her, I had to tell her and needed to know what she felt too. Does she love me? Does she feel anything for me? Maybe she’s realized that I go out of my way only for her. Maybe she knows that I love her so much that I want to make every moment, task & errand comfortable for her. I couldn’t focus on anything. My work suffered, I played Call of Duty for hours to distract myself. I couldn’t. I couldn’t wait to tell her. I can’t wait to get this out of my mind just so that the distraction doesn’t swallow me. Whole.
So I sat down at an odd hour one night and did what I do best. I wrote. I wrote down everything I wanted to say. A rough draft, corrected by D, my closest confidant, my go-to person for all emotional advice. I say this because she was the first person to recognize that within all my tough exterior was what she liked to call ‘mushy cake’.
She teased me for quite some time before getting down to editing my raw, unnerving and shout-it-to-the-sky feelings. A letter that said I love you. More than any bad day ahead of us, any trouble we face, any misunderstanding or sad day.
I need to do it. When should I do it?
I held on to this piece of paper for a week; because I may be all muscles and strong on the outside, but I’m mushy cake on the inside. I was terrified of what I knew I would hear. It’s quite obvious. If she hasn’t made a move, and my weak-ass didn’t either, it just means one thing. It’s not what I think it is. But it’s okay, I had to do it anyway.
We went out for breakfast one morning, before I was heading home, and that was when I gave it to her. Please don’t read this in front of me, I thought. I am going to be so embarrassed I asked her to read it once I had left, so that I don’t self-combust like a bag of poop, really. I got a call 30 minutes later and we went for a drive.
Alas, it’s what I expected and not what you hoped for, really. “I didn’t even know you felt this way. I love you, but not in the way you need me to. Tell me what I can do to fix this.” Love me, damn it! That’s all I need from you.
But it’s not as easy as it looks. After I confessed my feelings, we went through some changes as friends. Our friendship evolved in a way that I didn’t want. Unknowingly, I made her conscious about many things she would do with me; whether it was sleeping in the same bed, going to every social gathering together or simply talking to me too much during the day. We began walking around each other on eggshells; I hated this. It hurt me that I put her in this position.
But even at this time, I loved her so much that I put her feelings first and made an effort to make her feel better; despite knowing my heartbreak needed a bit of attention too.
But all said and done, I loved her. I loved her with a love that doesn’t run away at the sight of discomfort. I wanted to be there for her, no matter what. She is my best-friend before anything. My soulmate, my happy place. My person. And I had to keep my feelings aside for sometime and be the best-friend she knows me to be. I need to be what she recognizes; not what I suddenly decided to throw in her face.
Love is less about wanting someone and more about caring for their happiness, their smiles, their joy. To make them feel whole, comfortable & safe. After all, if you love someone, you do everything you can to understand them. There’s no perfect love. It’s in the way we feel, express and stick by it. For me, love has its own place and friendship has its own. I learned long ago how to compartmentalize my life, and I have been getting better at it everyday; slowly and steadily. Friendship is the stepping stone to love & being in love. Staying in love.
Loving a person where they are at, instead of where we want them to be. A lesson learned recently, and a permanent one for the books. In the 6 years we have been friends, I have been lucky to watch her evolve into a beautiful person, a gorgeous soul. A person that one can only dream of. Maybe it’s just me, but there’s something about being humble, attentive & playful that makes them attractive. So while my feelings are out there in the open, I am not scared.
Maybe a little, I won’t lie. What if someone takes this person away from me? What if there’s someone that does all the things I do, and she falls for them instead? That will smash me into bits, but let’s leave that to deal with for another day.
For now, I am excited. To be there for her in every way she needs. To pamper her everyday. To bring her flowers, the occasional dessert, a surprise gift and exciting dinners to end heavy days. It has been a few months now, since my confession, and our friendship has been stronger, better, healthier. Of course I want to be the kind of man that can give her the world, everything she wants. To be the arms she runs into, the shoulder she rests her head on and the face she’s looking for. I want to be her Iron Man, but let’s see how far one-day-at-a-time takes us.
Love can be wild. Untamed. Running free & reckless. But it can also be slow, safe, comfortable, fuzzy & full of assurances. It can steady your heart, relax your shoulders & ease your mind. It can feel like coming home to peace & belonging.
I want to be her home, her constant, her everyday. But for now, I am grateful for what we have, with all my heart. I am grateful for all these things that remind me of her when she’s not around:
Peach lilies on a sunday morning
Start A Riot, by Banners
Easy driving on an empty road
Filter coffees & black lemon teas
Trying to pick a restaurant to go to, or meal to order
Umeshu & sushi on saturday nights
Videos of old people that made it: together
Solving a wordle alone
Mint chocolate chip ice cream & after-eights
The smell of fresh oriental-floral perfume
“Your heart & my heart are very, very old friends”.
I gave her a handmade photo frame that said these words. It’s a picture of us from my birthday a few years ago; laughter on our faces. If you get in touch with me, I will show it to you. Until then, you should know that we solve everyday’s wordle together….and I guess for now, this is what brings me peace. Knowing that I get to see her everyday; that I have her in my life, the way she wants to be.
-A.H.M.
That’s all for this season of The Abandoned Dreams Collective. I hope you’ve enjoyed these stories as much as I’ve loved bringing them to you.
I look forward to seeing you once again with more stories in a few short months. Until then
Much love and many dreams
Nirmitee
The Abandoned Dreams Collective